Opening the Door…

From my social worker earlier this week:

Hi L.,

I hope you are doing well.

Just to let you know, I have received your letter from translation and I have put the formal request to initiate the search for your birth family today.

I will bring your letter/photos to ESWS with me when I travel with CHSFS’s birthland tour this week to ESWS.

I feel like I should be feeling something–anxiety, nervousness, fear are commonly cited emotions people feel when they start a search (according to the million and one books I’ve read about adoption). I don’t know that I feel any of those things. To be honest, I don’t know what, if anything at all, I’m feeling about it right now…it’s still such an abstract concept, and I have been prepping myself my entire life for the not-completely-unlikely scenario that nothing will come of it. There’s not a word to describe the sentiment

I’m waiting for the possibility of learning more about my birth family or even meeting them, but without having the slightest clue when or if it will happen.  I’m trying to pretend that nothing’s changed, so I don’t have to catch my breath every time the phone rings, or every time I get a new email, or every time an unexpected package comes at the door. I’m waiting for a piece of myself that’s been missing for 30 years, that may never be found. I’m waiting at the same time that I’m living my life, moving forward, taking new classes, making plans for the future, including a trip to this mythical homeland I don’t remember.

Yeah. Not so easily summed up.

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